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WHO'S WHO } 

OR, 

A FARCE.— IN TWO ACTS. 



BY JOHN POOLE, 

AUTHOR OF HAMLET TRAVESTIE, INTRIGUE, ETC, ETC, 



NOW PERFORMING, WITH UNBOUNDED APPLAUSE, AT 



Cfitatrt &e>aal Ururg %mu 



LONDON : 

PRINTED FOR WHITTINGHAM AND ARLISS. 
PATERNOSTER ROW. 



1815. 



PRICE -TWO SHILLINGS, 






3o a**2 ¥¥ 



CHARACTERS. 



Old Headstrong, Mr. Bartley. 

Charles Headstrong, Mr. Wallack, 

Kitcat, . ♦ . . Mr. Penley. 

Harry Sutherland, ....... Mr. Barnard. 

Endall, . . Mr. Harley. 

Sam Dabbs, Mr. Munden. 

Robin Gruff, Mr. Hughes. 

Servant, Mr. Evans. 

Miss Stirling, . Mrs. Orger. 

Mary, .... * Miss Ivers. 



SCENE, a Village at a distance from London. 



/* 



WHO'S WHO ? 



ACT I. 



SCENE I. 



A ROOM AT HEADSTRONG S. 

Enter Headstrong, followed by Charles. 

Char. But listen to me, Sir; — be not deaf to my 
entreaties. 

Head. Booby ! be not blind to your interest. 

Char. Only one word, my dear uncle. 

Head. Tis all in vain ; " Firmness" is the family 
motto of the Headstrongs, and I am resolved it shall 
never be disgraced in me. 

Char. Consider, sir, I have never seen the lady you 
would have me many. 

Head. No more have I, sir ; yet, you see I am as 
quiet as a lamb : indeed, I have never even seen her 
uncle, who is also her guardian, though we have held 
a correspondence together these twenty years. How- 
ever, not to do things precipitately, and to allow you 
time to become acquainted, I shall delay the signin 
of the necessary papers a full hour after their arriva 
which I expect this very day. 

Char. An hour, sir ! 

Head. Aye ; and for a rational courtship, an hour 



6 Who's who ? 

is a very liberal allowance : — not long 1 enough, cer- 
tainly, to acquaint you with half her good qualities, 
and as to any of an opposite nature, the ladies make it 
a rule, never to expose these on this side of the mar- 
riage ceremony. 

Char. A certain something about my heart, a sort 
of antipathy presumptive, tells me I shall not like her. 

Head, I sincerely hope you will not ; you will then 
have an opportunity of giving me a more decided 
proof of your obedience. But, no matter; in this 
affair, you are neither of you at liberty to exercise 
your taste. The business is this : — Miss Stirling's 
father and your's were old friends, and when they 
were boys at school, her father said to your father, or 
your father said to her's, " If ever you and I should 
grow up and have children, how odd it would be if 
they should marry one another !" 

Char. And is that all ? 

Head. Not quite; for the better to secure the 
accomplishment of their wishes, there are clauses in 
their wills, providing, that if either of you form a dif- 
ferent alliance, unless the written consent of both 
your guardians be obtained, the party so offending, 
shall be cut off with an annual allowance of fifty 
pounds, and the remainder of said party's fortune be 
appropriated to the charitable purpose of erecting 
divers alms-houses and hospitals, and the support of a 
certain number of old women. 

Char. My dear uncle, I am in extacies ! 

Head. I am glad you have thought better of the 
matter. 

Char. Not so, sir; but I perceive that you may 
dispense with our marriage if you choose, and — 

Head. Ah! but Mr. Kitcat, the young lady's 
guardian and I have decided that matter, and as he is 
a damn'd obstinate old fellow, — 

Char. Aye, and as you are a damn'd obstinate old 
fellow — 

Head. True, Jackanapes ; you may set your heart 



who's who 



at rest, and prepare for the ceremony : or, if you wish 
to indulge your charitable propensities, refuse the 
lady, and in return you will receive the affections and 
the blessings of all old women in the county. 

Char, But in an affair of this nature, sir, the heart — 
Head. The heart ! Pooh ! a pumpkin ! — the pocket 
you blockhead ! 

Char. Very well, sir, — you seem determined to op- 
pose me. — 

Head. Hear me, sir. I have been your guardian 
these nineteen years, and an indulgent one you must 
allow : I humoured you in every thing while you were 
a child, and it would be hard indeed if I could not 
make you do as I please, now that you have arrived at 
years of discretion. 

Char, f impatiently). Sir, sir, will you argue the 
point coolly with me ? 

Head. Why since you have a taste for argument, 
and I am determined not to be moved by any you can 
produce, I will indulge you. But let us be calm, — let 
us treat the point like logicians, — come, sit down. 

Char, (with stifled anger J. Certainly, sir ; we'll be 
cool and temperate ; we'll argue the point dispassion- 
ately. (They sit J. If I marry Miss Stirling, — I 
merely say if I many Miss Stirling — may I be damn'd. 
Head, (starting up J. And may I be damn'd if you 
don't ; — so that end's the debate you scoundrel. {Exit, 
Char. Here's a pretty business ! Marry a girl I have 
never seen ! O, impossible ! What's to be done ? I'll 
acquaint my uncle at once with my attachment to my 
dear Mary, tell him that my heart and affections — 
Psha ! what the devil does he care about my heart and 
affections : he'd make me marry a Rhinoceros, if it 
were a collar of gold ; — that's hopeless. No, I'll — 
{Enter Servant, delivers a Letter, Exit."] By all that's 
fortunate, from Harry Sutherland, the brother of my 
Mary ! (Reads J " Dear Charles, I have this moment 
" arrived here, with my sister, upon business of the 
" utmost importance : come to me instantly. I am at 



8 who's who ? 

"the London-hotel. Harry Sutherland." — I fly to meet 
them. [Exit 



SCENE II. 

A ROOM AT AN INN. 

Enter Harry Sutherland and Mary. 

Harry* Well, my dear sister, here wq are, and now 
fortune be our friend. 

Mary. Indeed, Harry, I fear this will prove but a 
wild scheme of your's, after all. You are not sure 
that your mistress is in this neighbourhood ; and you 
have other difficulties to overcome, besides the disco- 
very of her. In the first place, as your fortune, to say 
no worse of it, is but slender, her uncle will refuse 
his consent, 

Harry. I have the consent of the neice, which in 
cases of this nature, is gaining nine points out of ten. 

Mary. You have scarcely seen her : has she al- 
ready been so explicit? 

Harry. Yes; by inference: for she has enumer- 
ated all the objections her uncle would make to an 
offer of marriage from me, without stating a single 
one on her own part. 

Mary. But should her uncle oppose — 

Harry, I shall run away with the neice, by all means. 

Mary. Then if Charles should not gain his uncle's 
consent, I suppose he'll run away with me; and then, 
you know, we can all run away together. 

Harry. That is an arrangement I may perhaps, 
oppose. As your guardian, I must set my face against 
an act — 

Mary. Which you would be sorry the guardian of 
your mistress should prevent. 



who's who ? 9 

Harry. In every thing, we have two rules of right : 
one for the guidance of others, the other for our own. 
But let's to business; we may as well know something 
about the principal inhabitants of this neighbourhood, 
( 'rings a bell J and the waiter's a likely man to inform us. 

Enter Robin Gruff, bowing aukwardly. 

Harry. Oh, you are the waiter : you can perhaps 
furnish me with some information that I am in need of. 

Robin. Any thing" to make myself agreeable, sir. 

Harry. Don't trouble yourself to be agreeable ; 
the useful is all we want of you. How long have you 
lived here ? 

Robin. My name be Robin Gruff. I were born up 
at mother's, Michaelmas day, in the year of our — 

Harry. Psha ! I can dispense with your memoirs. 
How long have you been waiter here ? 

Robin. Ten years, sir ; or it may be twenty : I 
can't say to a day or so. 

Harry. Will you be explicit, my good fellow ? 

Robin. Thankee, kindly, sir ; one had better be any 
thing here nor a waiter. 

Mary. This man is so exquisitely stupid, you'll get 
no information from him. 

Harry. I'll attempt him again. Have you any cor- 
respondence with the families hereabouts ? 

Robin. I don't correspond with nobody but Peggy 
Stiles, sir. 

Harry. I don't mean by writing, but — 

Robin. Nor I, sir. My Peg and I can't write, nor 
read neither, sir. 

Mary. Can neither read nor write, arid yet you 
correspond with each other ! 

Robin. O, we saves all that fuss ; Peg do get some- 
body to write her letters, and I do get somebody to 
read 'em. 

Harry. A mode <of correspondence more to be de- 
sired for convenience than secrecy. 

B 



10 who's who ? 

Robin. O there be no secrets, bless you : she only 
tells I not to be in a hurry to be married, till we've 
saved a bit ; for, says Peg, times be main hard, Robin, 
and in eight or ten years, we shall have ten or twelve 
children ;— and that's no joke, sir. 

Harry, Your Peg is a close calculator, I perceive. 
But L now, give me a direct answer to a plain question, 
if you can. Who are your people of consequence 
about here ? 

Robin, Why that be plain, sure enough. Now let 
me see. The most consequentialest of 'em all, is little 
Grip, the lawyer. 

Harry, Leave the room, blockhead ; and if there 
be any thing human in the house, let it be sent to me. 

Robin, Except master, I be the only human crea- 
ture here ; all the rest be women. But here be 
young 'Squire Headstrong coming in, sir, and mayhap 
he be more sensible like. [Exit Robin. 

Enter Charles. 

Char. Ha ! Sutherland ! my boy ! I rejoice to see 
you. My dear Mary, this is indeed an unexpected 
happiness : to what am I indebted for it? 

Mary, To one of Harry's mad whims, I believe. 

Harry* My visit, to be sure, is rather unexpected ; 
but I have an affair on hand, in which you may be 
serviceable to me. 

Char, Egad, I have a disagreeable job of my own 
to settle ; however, let me have your story first, and if 
I can serve you, I will, 

Harry, Well, then, I have had the misfortune — 

Char, What? 

Harry. To fall desperately in love with a little girl 
who has a large fortune, without any particular objec- 
tion to me. 

Char, Then why not marry her ? 

Harry, I despair of gaining her guardian's eonsent. 

Char. Have you tried ? 



WHO S WHO f 



11 



Harry* I have never seen him. 

Char. Then how am I to serve you ? 

Harry. Even thus. I have discovered that he and 
his fair charge are coming on a visit to some family in 
this place, or its vicinity, and only require you to intro- 
duce me to all your acquaintance twenty miles round. 

Char. A pleasant task trulv. But, who is the 
lady?— 

Harry. My dear friend, as you have my entire 
confidence, I shall not hesitate to tell you : — her name 
is Louisa Stirling, neice to Mr. Kitcat, the celebrated 
painter. 

Char. The devil it is ! and you don't know the 
object of her journey hither? 

Harry. Not exactiy. 

Char. Then, my dear friend, as a return of confi- 
dence, I'll tell you : — she's coming to marry me. 

Harry. How ! 

Mary. Charles ! 

Harry. What is the meaning of all this ? 

Char. The meaning is, that the young lady's father 
and mine, who were bosom friends, entered into a sort 
of provisional contract, that we should marry each 
other. 

Harry. And what was the proviso, sir ? 

Char. Merely that we should be born ; for they 
had determined on the union of their imaginary off- 
spring, long* before they were married themselves. 

Mary. And you have consented to the marriage ? 

Char. Consented to it ! no, nor never will. 

Harry. What's to be done in this business ? 

Char. Our situation is difficult ; for the consent of 
both our guardians (who appear determined on the 
marriage) must be obtained, before either Miss Stirling 
or myself can marry contrary to the wills of our late 
fathers, without forfeiting our fortunes. Nothing can 
save us but stratagem ! 

Harry* As our danger is mutual, so must be our 
efforts. 



12 who's who ? 

Char. We must devise something* immediate! v, for 
my intended is hourly expected. 

Harry. We may want further assistance. 

Char, And I know where to find it. There is the 
apothecary of this village, a cunning, scheming fel- 
low. I'll speak to him. 

Mary. Indeed, Charles, I tremble for your success. 

Char. Tell me that I have your good wishes for my 
success, and success is certain. 

Harry. Now fly, Charles, and sound the Doctor, — we 
will wait your return. 

Char. We have each a treasure at stake, and will 
join heads, hearts, and hands to preserve it. 

[Exeunt Charles, Harry and Mary. 



SCENE III, 

THE INTERIOR OF DOCTOR ENDALl/s SHOP. 

Sam Dabbs discovered at Work, loith Pestle andMort-ar, 

Sam. People may talk of the happy life of a village 
doctor, but the lord help his assistant, say I. Here am 
I scraping and squeezing', and shaking and mixing, till 
I am familiar with the taste of all the physic in my 
master's shop ; and when all is over, and shop shut, I 
seek in vain for elegant Tecreation ; no private play- 
house, no debating society, — why did I quit London 1 
I am the most miserable, unfortunate dog in the crea- 
tion, except my master's patients ; and they, poor souls! 
-—but that's their concern. Well, that job's job'd, 
f putting a phial into paper J. That's a passport for 
poor Mr. Squalid. I am my master's secretary for 
the foreign department ; I prepare for the conveyance 
of his subjects out of this world into the other. Ob, 
here he comes. 



who's who? 13 



Enter Doctor Endall. 

2?«e?. Well, Sam, who has called during my ah- 
■ence ? has any thing been stirring ? 

Sam. Stirring! yes. I have been stirring with a 
plague to it. I have stirred up three and twenty pre- 
scriptions, and am as sick of them, as if I had taken 
them all myself. 

End. Sam, Sam, you are a discontented rascal. 
Don't I give you two shillings a week, and the run of 
my shop ; — the liberty of taking as much physic as 
you carf swallow ; and when I return in the evening 
from visiting my patients, don't I allow you to ride my 
poney to the stable for your recreation ? 

Sam, Yes, and to clean him too for my recreation. 

End. I suppose you want a sinecure, you useless 
blockhead ! 

Sam. Useless blockhead ! Why then you confess 
Pm qualified for one. > 

End. Here, Mr. Swallow has got his monthly com- 
plaint again ; mix up this prescription, and take it in- 
stantly. 

Sam. Take it instantly ! and what good will my 
taking it do Mr. Swallow ? 

End. Take it to his house, booby ! — read. 

Sam. O ah ! I see ! " the Monthly Club Dinner 
Emetic as usual." It was a cunning trick of your's, 
sir, to propose a club dinner; it makes my pestle and 
mortar jingle from morning till night. 

End. Why, I have no reason to complain ; I be- 
lieve I got more by it than the landlord of the Cor- 
morant, who provides it A naval victory has been as 
good as thirty pounds in my pocket. 

Sam. How so, sir ? 

End. Why half the village have dined together, and 
the consequence 

Sam. Bless your soul, sir ! In that line, the Novem- 
ber practice of a city apothecary is worth all your's 
the year through. 



14 who's who ? 

End. Thanks to the convivial character of our coun- 
try, a man of skill in my profession may find employ- 
ment in ev'ry month : for whether we would be merry 
or sad ; commemorate a dead patriot, or compliment a 
living one ; rejoice at a victory, or bemoan a defeat ; it 
is still a dinner, a dinner, and a dinner. Pray, has my 
good friend Closeall, the undertaker, been here ? 

Sam. Your friend? 

End. Yes, sir, my friend. Why our friendship is the 
common talk of the place. 

Sam. True — for they say that wherever Doctor End- 
all is, Closeall, the undertaker, can't be far off. He 
called just now to say he was sorry to hear another 
apothecary was coming to settle here; and then he 
grin'd, and looked as happy as if a fever had broken 
out in the village. 

End. There's gratitude ! I have been the making of 
that fellow- He has confess'd that I have sent him 
more customers in one year, than ever my predecessor 
sent him in three. 

Sam. He says you owe half your patients to his 
recommendation. 

End. That's true ; but he always has them again in 
the end. O, Sam, the ingratitude of jthe world makes 
me mad. I'll go and settle in London; my skill is 
buried in this village. 

Sam. At least the proofs of it are, sir. — Now, I'll go 
and take the physic out. 

End. And make no mistakes, d'ye hear. Yesterday 
the emetic for Farmer Thresher's horse, you left at the 
mayor's; his worship swallowed it, and it has nearly 
been the death of him. 

Sam. I will be more careful for the future, sir. 

f Exit Sam. 

End. Oh, here comes ' my good friend, Mr. Charles 
Headstrong. 

Enter Charles. 

Charles, Dr. Endall, good morning. 



who's who ? 15 

End. Good morning, sir, I hope you are well — I do 
indeed, though I am an apothecary ; and though I sel- 
dom shake a man by the hand without mechanically 
insinuating my finger towards his pulse ; nor consis- 
tently with my own professional interests, can I say to a 
person, " I hope you are well," without wishing him a 
chronic, yet to you, Mr. Charles 

Charles. You flatter, doctor. 

End. Not at all, sir — but to what am I indebed for 
the honour of this visit? 

Charles. Merely a passing call. 

End. What, nothing- in my way ? you should be care- 
ful of your health at this season of the year, sir ; for 
though you may not be absolutely ill yet prevention, 
you know 

Charles. But, doctor, I have something important to 
communicate to you, and must request your attention. 
(Aside.) I'll frighten him into my service. I'll pass 
Kitcat the painter on him, as an apothecary. 

End. I am dumb, sir. 

Charles. My uncle ! — 

End. 1 hope he's well, sir ; he is a very worthy man, 
although he won't take physic : — however, as he is my 
friend, I won't dwell upon his failings. 

Charles. Your friend, indeed ! But if I tell you, you'll 
be secret? 

End. As my own customers, defunct. 

Charles. Well, then, my uncle intends to drive you 
out of the place. 

End. Impossible ! 

Charles. A fact ! He has sent for a friend from Lon- 
don, an apothecary, and means to recommend him all 
over the county. 

End. Amazement ! 

Charles. Nay, more : to make the business secure, 
and fix the man here, he insists upon my marrying his 
niece. 

End. Which you have consented to. 

Charles. Peremptorily refused ! 



1<5 who's who : 

End. What's to be done ? you are my friend ; will 
you assist me in opposing this intruder % 

Charles. With all my heart ; and as I have as strong 
an objection to the niece as a wife, as you can possibly 
have to the uncle as a rival, our efforts must be mu- 
tual ; and the first step towards saving you from oppo- 
sition in your practice, must be the preventing of this 
odious marriage. 

End. Then refuse the girl at once, and the business 
is done. 

Clwrles. Not so, I have reasons against that, and 
must have recourse to stratagem. Are you a good 
hand at a scheme ? 

End, Try me. — I'm agent to Twig'em, the great 
lottery office-keeper in London ; and, between us, we 
have invented schemes— but, vanity apart, ask the suf- 
ferers. 

Charles. Well, sir, I'll trust you. There is a young 
lady whom I am determined to marry ; but as she has 
no fortune, I am certain my uncle will not consent to 
our union. 

End. Where is she ? 

Charles. Fortunately, she arrived here this morning*. 

End. Does your uncle know her ? 

Charles. He has never seen her. 

End. Good — When is the doctor's niece expected t 

Charles. This very day. 

End. Good again. — Then it's all settled. — Let your 
chosen fair introduce herself as the neice of 

Charles* Impossible ! Her uncle is expected to at- 
tend her. 

End. My assistant, Sam Dabbs, shall personate him. 

Charles. Does my uncle know him? 

End. Not at all ; he has not been with me above a 
month. In London, instead of attendingto his business 
behind a druggist's counter, although the fellow was 
near forty, he was either studying parts to act at a pri- 
vate play-house, or preparing speeches on political re- 
form, and the state of the nation, to deliver at twelve 



who's who J 17 

penny evening debating' clubs ; — So, to save him from 
the gallows, his friends sent him to me. 

Char. But if the real uncle and niece, should ar- 
rive before we effect our purpose 

End. We must take our chance for that. Oh, here 
comes Sam. 

Enter Sam hastily. 

Sam. Sir ! Sir ! you must go this instant to Mrs. 
Vixen's : she's dying, and her husband particularly 
desires — 

End. Whenever that woman's ill her husband is in a 
damn'd hurry for the doctor. But I have work for 
you, Dabbs. 

Sam. For me, sir? 

Char. Yes ; the business is this : I want to intro- 
duce you to my uncle, Mr. Headstrong, as an old gen- 
tleman from London. — Can you undertake the part ? 

Sam. Try me — Except Macbeth and Little Pickle,. 
old men's parts used to be my forte at our private 
theatre. 

Char. Then I will give you some employment. 

Sam. There, sir, I always told you that I should turn 
my acting to some account. 

Char. Now, observe, sir — the person you have to 
represent is a man of elegant manners. 

Sam. Then blow me if I don't touch him off to a T. 
In London I was used to elegant company. I was 
at Lady Stifle's music party. 

End. You! 

Sam. Yes, I. — Don't you know that great folks often 
let out their houses like taverns, for concerts'? Signor Cre- 
scendo sold me a ticket for a five-and-sixpenny dollar ; 
and there was I, and many more like me, for any thing 
her ladyship knew to the contrary, elbowing the first 
ladies in the land. But, sir, I don't much like this busi- 
ness after all. I came here with a view to mend my 
morals, and this looks something like roguery. 

Char. It is merely an innocent device, and if you 
have any immediate use for twenty pounds, they are 
much at your service. 

c 



18 who's who ? 

Sam. Well, sir, if you'll assure me that the business 
we're going' upon is honourable, I'll join you in it 
even though it be highway robbery. 

Char. Then come with mc, sir, and I will explain 
all to you by the way. Doctor, be sure not to go to 
my uncle's just now, lest be should discover that I 
have betrayed him: when I think your attendance 
needful, I'll send for you. Adieu. [Exit with Sam. 

End. Not go to his uncle's just yet — That's very 
mysterious. Perhaps, after all, the youngster has in- 
vented this story about a rival apothecary, merely to 
serve his own purposes. Can that old Headstrong*, 
after all his professions of friendship for me, be such a 
knave ? I'll go and sift him upon the subject ; and if I 
find I have been deceived, I'll not only spoil that young 
rascal's projects, but if ever I have an opportunity of 
taking a professional revenge, curse me if I don't keep 
him on dry toast and water gruel for a month. [Exit. 



SCENE IV. 

A ROOM AT OLD KEADSTRONG's. 

Enter Old Ekadstrong. 

Head. Egad ! I believe the young dog has come too 
at last Refuse an heiress, tfce booby! Heiresses are 
scarce game ; and if be had )H her slip, I warrant half 
the spoilsmen in the kingdom wou'd have been at 
her heels before the week's end. 

Enter Servant. 

Ser. Doctor Endall, sir. x 

Bead. Who? 

Ser. Doctor Endall, sir. 

Head. Very well : desire him to walk in. 

[Exit, Servant. 
Now shall I be tormented for two hours, by that 
disagreeable, chattering, intrusive-- 



who's who ? 19 



Enter Doctor Endall. 



My dear doctor, I rejoice to see you. This visit is 
very kind. 

End. You are very good. Truly, sir, your family is 
indebted to me for introducing- many of its members 
into the world. 

Head, Aye, and for turning many of them out too. — 
But, come, sit down and fell me the news. If you were 
not so kind as to tell me all that is doing in the world, 
I might as well live in a wilderness, (aside) Tiresome 
blockhead! 

End. You flatter, sir. But now, sir, I come to you for 
news. Have you nothing to tell me ? Nothing ? Eh, 
nothing? 

Head* Why? perhaps, I have something to tell you 
that will surprise you. 

End. Ha ! 'tis coming ! 

Head. My nephew is going to be married. 

End. Well, and is that all % 

Head. All ! zounds, sir ! is not the news of a mar^ 
riage in my family enough for once ? 

End. (Aside) Then it's plain enough. He is afraid 
to tell me, and wants to pick a quarrel as a colour to 
his villainy. I'll worm the matter out of him. To say 
the truth, sir, your nephew did just give me a hint of 
the matter this morning. He seemed averse from the 
marriage ; but, as I suspected you might be desirous to 
bring it about, I persuader! him to it. 

Head. You always act like a sensible man, raid a 
friend, doctor. 

End. Weli, but he told me something about the 
uncle: pray, is he eminent in his profession ? — Come, 
that's a home question. I shall know whether he 
really means to establish the doctor here. [Aside* 

Head. (Aside) His profession ! — 0,my nephew has 
told him about his painting, I suppose. — Why he doesn't 
make a profession of it now — he practices merely as 
an amateur. 

End. (Aside) Ah ! then I'm ruined ; for he'll give 
advice gratis — and people are not so fond of physic as 
ti> pay for it, when they can get it for nothing. 



20 who's who ? 

Head. But in London, doctor, he'll never make a 
figure, he's too fond of the amusements of the Town ; 
he wants application, and I find he has no patience. 

End. No patients !--- pity — nothing to be done in his 
line without patients. 

Head. He does not practice so much as he ought. 

End. Of course, he can't practice without patients. 

Head. True, so I have advised him to settle in this place. 

End. f Aside J To take mine. 

Head. I intend to introduce him to all my friends. 

End. You do, eh ! (Aside) Here's a pretty rascal ! 

Head. He shall not be in want of subjects to work 
upon.— He excels in the human figure — he has studied 
anatomy to advantage — he is an adept in taking sub- 
jects from life. 

End. So* are most of the profession, I belteve. 

Head. I intend to make him take you off for a 
beginning. 

End. That's making short work of it, but if I 
suffer him — 

Head. (Aside) 0, I see ; he thinks he's a caricaturist 
—My dear doctor, you misunderstand me— -he's very 
serious, I assure you ; he does'nt make a joke of these 
things. 

End. A joke ! — Confound him, it's no joking matter. 

Head. No, no, he's a man of a very different turn.— 
He sometimes gives lectures upon the subject of his art, 
to private assemblies of his friends, — he excels in that 
way — his articulation is delightful. 

End. Articulation ! — An anatomist too ! [Aside. 

Head. And his delivery— 

End. Delivery ! a man midwife !— I'm cut up at all 
points. Sir, I am eternally obliged to you for the 
favour you intend me. 

Head. Not at all, doctor; it's no more than you 
deserve. 

End. I shall choak ! 

Head. And when you are properly drawn, you shall 
be hung up in my great hall. 

End. O, I shall go mad ! — I can't speak, but I will 



who's who ? 21 

assist Charles with my whole heart, and be revenged 
that way — sir, — T can't speak. [Exit in a violent rage. 
Head, Poor fellow ! he can't express his grati- 
tude. He is insufferably vain, and will go mad with 
joy at the thoughts of having his rhubarb and magnesia 
countenance exhibited in my great hall. 

Enter Charles. 

Now, you rogue ; I knew you would alter your mind : 
you are too much like your uncle to be serious in re- 
fusing a fine girl, with a fine fortune. 

Char. (Aside) I must keep it up a little. — Really, 
sir, though in compliance with your wishes, I have con- 
sented to marry the unknown fair, yet after all the 
lady may not be agreeable to me. 

Head. Try and persuade yourself that you are over 
head and ears in love with her, and I'll answer for it, 
were she a mummy in bronze, you'd fancy her a Venus 
in alabaster. 

Char. Well, sir, your pleasure shall be mine. 

Head. Well said, my boy : and now, Charles, that 
you may receive our guests properly, I will give you 
what information I have been able to gain respecting 
jheir characters and manners ; for you know I have ne- 
ver seen either of them. 

Char. I am all attention, sir: first, for the uncle 
then. 

Head. He is a man highly accomplished, and remark- 
able for the elegance of his manners ; exceedingly re- 
served on a first acquaintance, but gradually expand- 
ing as the frost of ceremony dissolves, till you receive, 
the full enjoyment of the various treasures of his head 
and heart. 

Char. (Aside) Whoo ! — His representative, poor 
Sam Dabbs, I fear, will fall rather short of this descrip- 
tion. And the niece, sir? 

Head. Oh, she is a lovely, amiable girl of eighteen ; 
all fire and spirit ; as, full of mischief as a squirrel, 
and has been educated after the very newest fashion. 







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22^ who's who ? 

CW. That is — she can waltz, mskke fillooTe- nf n _ 
baskets, sing- 1 a ] -■_> arietta L ? < • 

a variety of lan&ua : e._ 

Head, Why T riders'atrl she 1 f 

four tongues. 

Char. Hopeful in e ; o - ! ". 

.Head, She is ft ; -•. * 
ners forms a striki • 
courtly dignity of hei n h 
give directions fo: tl e ?rope 
they should arrive durin 
them with all due ceremony. 

Char. A hopeful case, t 
like the persons they 
too late for reflection, for ]> 
hint at their characters before 
be useful. My dear Mary — 

Enter Mary add Sam. 

(Sam hi an old Court Dress. J 

Mary. O, Charles ! I shall never be able to get 
through this piece of artifice ; I am half dead of fear. 

Char. Courage! courage ! consider that on the 
success of this stratagem depends our happiness. 

Sam. Aye, courage, miss ; look at me : I don't 
tremble and blush as you do. 

Char. Now mark me, sir. The person you repre- 
sent, is a man remarkable for the elegance of his : man- 
ners : now, though you are equipped in one of the best 
suits I could find in my uncle's wardrobe, yet there is 
about you a certain vulgarity, which, — excuse me — 

Sam. Eh ! vulgarity ! Then souse me into a horse- 
pond, if I'd — 

Char. Pardon me : I mean you must be very re- 
served in your manner, very pompous and dignified ; 
you had better not speak much. 

Sam. O, I see. — As I am supposed to be a cut 
above your uncle, I am not to be familiar with him. 



who's who ? 23 

Char. Not exactly so : — but an accidental blunder, 
— you understand? 

Sam* I'll make you easy on that scorp. I was fa- 
mous for my speeches at our debating club. 

Char. Come, cheer up, my dear Mary ; a little self- 
possession, or we shall never succeed. TLe r ady you 
personage is a romp— -a hoyden. Endeavour to repre- 
sent her with a little more spirit, and— 

Mary, Indeed, Charles, I cannot overcome my em- 
barassment. 

Char. Here he comes (to Sam J : you must frame 
some excuse for her. 

Sam. Let me alone. 

Enter Headstrong. 

Head. Now Charles, my boy, you must — eh ! 

Char. Mr. Kitcat and Miss Stirling, sir ; my uncle. 

Head. Mr. Kitcat, — Madam, — I am heartily glad to 
see you. I hope you will pardon my receiving you in 
this unceremonious way, but — 

Sam. (With affected dignity) O, never mind, old 
boy ! Tho' I am very dignified, and very elegant in 
my manners, I never likes to stand upon any sans cere- 
monie, as the ancients call it. — Hum ! 

Char. I suppose, sir, Mr. Kitcat means — the devil ! 

Head. I can't conceive how I miss'd your carriage, 



but perhaps, when you came to the park-gat< 

Sam. O, the carriage : why the truth is I whisked 
my niece down in the shay. 

Head. Whisk'd her down in the shay / Well, this is 
dignity and elegance with a vengeance ! 

Char, {aside to Sam) Ten thousand devils ! don't 
open your lips again. 

Sam. Be quiet, will you ? I'm getting on very well. 
Come, niece, why don't you speak to Mr. Headstrong? 
Are you afraid to say bo to a goose ? You must excuse 
my niece being a little sheepish, or so. 

Head. (Aside) She's a wit:—- she wants drawing 



24 who's who ? 

out, perhaps. I'll try her.— Hem ! I hope, madam, you 
have had a pleasant journey? 

Mary. Ye-es, sir, (embarrassed) 

Head. Had you any rain, madam ? 

Mary. No, sir. 

Head. Then you had fine weather? 

Mary. Yes, sir; would to heaven I were relieved 
from this situation. [Aside* 

Head. A wit! a Hoyden! Damme, if she isn't 
quite a ninny ! Your niece, sir, is rather diffident ; but 
I hope we shall be better acquainted by and bye ; and 
then — (looks at Sains dress with curious attention) Very 
odd! Ecod! I could almost swear he has my coat on. 

Sam. But let's to business. I should like to have the 
marriage obsequies performed this very morning. 

Head. The what, sir ? 

Char. Mr. Kitcat says he wishes the ceremony per- 
formed immediately. 

Head. With all my heart, sir ; though upon consi- 
deration, I think it would not be amiss to delay it for 
a day or two, till the young people are better acquainted. 
— I've a waistcoat like that too. 

Char. Sir, the young lady's person and manners 
have charmed me, and with her consent, I would not 
delay the marriage an instant ; — speak my beloved : do 
you oppose my wishes ? 

Mary. I oppose them ! No, dear Charles ! My 
present situation is most distressing, and till you have 
secured me, every moment will be a torment to me. 

Head. Now curse me, if that's so much amiss, con- 
sidering it is the first thing she has said to him : (to 
Sam) A-propos ! In your last letter you mentioned 
to me the death of my old acquaintance, Fidkins. 

Sam. Did I? 

Head. Yes ; and you said there was something par- 
ticular attending it. 

Sam. Did I? (Aside) What the devil shall I say! 
Why, he died a-— 

Head. Aye, a month ago. 

Sam. Aye ; and he has been dead ever since. 



who's who ? 25 

Head, Well ; there's nothing very surprising in 
that. 

Char, The less you say the better (to Sam). 

Sam. Don't bother me. 

Head. The very breeches, too, are like mine. 

Sam. Now, old boy; I've had a long journey, and 
should like a snack. Come, give us something worth 
having, — something better than we are used to at home. 

Head. I've been strangely deceived about this gen- 
tleman. — Sir, you shall have the best my house affords. 

Sam. Then the sooner the better, for I'm devilish 
sharp set. 

Head, (aside) The notions about elegance and dig- 
nity must have undergone a strange alteration in Lon- 
don within the last twenty years. (To Mary) Madam, 
allow me to conduct you. Charles, you will attend 
Mr. Kitcat. [Exit ipith Mary. 

Char. Your ignorance and vulgarity will be- 
tray us. 

Sam. Psha! it's the the best proof of high breeding. 

Char. So far we have succeeded ; my uncle is de- 
ceived, and — 

Enter Doctor End all hastily. 

End. Oh, lord, sir ! we are all ruined ! 

Char. What's the matter % 

End. The real Mr. Kitcat and his niece are here ! 
I saw their carriage stop at the park-gate. 

Char. Confusion ! 

End. There's an end of us all, I'm afraid ; but in 
order to gain time, I'll intercept them, — say I'm sent 
by your uncle to conduct them hither, and detain them 
as long as possible : [aside] and have a word or two 
with the doctor upon my own affairs. [Exit. 

Char. Come, sir, follow me to my uncle. I've not 
a moment to spare. If the real parties arrive before 
we succeed with him, we are lost for ever. 

Sam. I see how it will end ; — I shall be the sufferer 
in this affair. I have an idea of the taste of the horse- 



26 who's who ? 

pond already: and fancy myself peeping into the 
garret windows six times in a minute, by the gentle 
assistance of a blanket. [Exeunt. 



ACT II. 



SCENE I. 

Headstrong's park. 
Enter Harry Sutherland and Miss Stirling. 

Miss S. Indeed, Mr. Sutherland, your conduct is 
highly improper. 1 o follow me from London, with- 
out — 

Harry, But, my dear Miss Stirling, consider the 
disagreeableness of your situation. 

Miss S. Truly, my situation is not exactly such a 
one as a young- woman with a lively imagination would 
sketch out for her own happiness. I am brought down 
here at a day's notice to marry a man I never saw in 
my life, merely because when 1 was an infant squalling 
in long-coats, my father thought I should make a very 
pretty wife for his friend's son, who was ambulating 
in a go-cart. Now only consider the folly of it. 

Harry. Aye ; and the tyranny. 

■Miss S. And my own weakness if I were to submit 
to it. 

Harry. And my want of gallantry if I did not assist 
you to escape from it. 

Miss S. Psha ! But I did not mean that. 



who's who ? 27 

Harry, And what do you intend to do, to avoid 
being forced into a marriage with Charles Headstrong? 

Miss S. Appeal to mv uncle's generosity, and if that 
fail— 

Harry. We'll elope, by all means. 

Miss S. Your assurance astonishes me. — Elope ! No, 
sir ; an elopement must be our last resource. 

Harry. My dear Louisa, you have made me happy — 
Jet me fly — 

Miss S. What have I said 1 — now — now— no trans- 
ports; consider, we are in the enemy's camp — this is 
Mr. Headstrong's park : for the present you must leave 
me. I must return to my uncle, Mr. Kitcat, whom I 
left making a sketch at the park entrance, and endea- 
vour to delay his arrival. If I am seen here, as Charles 
has introduced his mistress to his uncle under my 
name, it will be fatal to his project. 

Harry. And not one — 

Miss S. Well, there, you may take my hand. 

Harry. You have made me the happiest man on 
earth. [Exit. 

Miss S. I have done a very imprudent thing, but I 
dare not reflect upon it, lest I should repent, and 
change my mind, (going — returns) As I live here's 
some one coming this way. [Retires up the stagey 

Enter Headstrong. 
Head. I never was so disappointed in all my life. 
Instead of seeing, as I expected, arespectable well-bred 
man, this Mr. .Kitcat is a coarse, ill-mannered, illiterate 
booby. He offered to lay me a pot of porter that my 
wig would fit his head, and, without ceremony, pulled 
it off, across the table, to try. He had his fingers in 
every dish, eat voraciously of all, and bit a piece out 
of every peach till he found one to his taste. I thought 
he was skilled in paintings, and took him to view my 
little collection : worse and worse ! he took my " Cupid 
sharpening his arrows" for a naked young Robin Hood ; 
and when T called his attention to my exquisite « Fall 



m 



of Phaeton," damn me if lie didn't ask me whether I 
had ever seen the sign of the " Tumble-down-dick," in 
the Borough. Eh ! who have we here t (seeing Miss'S.) 
Your servant, madam. 

Miss $. (coming forward,) Who can 'this be? Ex- 
cuse me, sir; I believe I have made some mistake : 
allow me to retire. 

Head. Whom do you seek, madam ? 

Miss S. (Aside.) What can J say ? Nobody, sir,— 
that is—Mr. Headstrong, sir — but it's no matter— 
I'll— (going) 

Head. Your visit is fortunate — I am Mr. Headstrong. 
A very pretty girl this. 

Miss S. Heavens ! You Mr. Headstrong? Then I'm 
lost. 

Head. Heavens .'then I am lost ! this is very strange ! 

Miss S. How shall I escape from him ? Not you, 
sir — your nephew I mean — some other time — good 
morning, sir ! (going.) 

Head. (Aside.) A strange female desire to see my 
nephew ! There's some mystery in this — Madam, I must 
request an explanation of this visit to my nephew. — 
Present circumstances render it absolutely necessary. 

Miss S. Worse' and worse ! What shall I say? I 
have it ; I'll make him as anxious to get rid of me as 
I am to be gone.— I understand, sir, your nephew is 
on the point of being married. 

Head. This very day; madam. 

Miss S. Cruel man ! Sir he is under a promise of 
marriage to me. [ Aside'] I think this will make him 
wish me a thousand miles off. 

Head. (Aside.) This then accounts for his refusing 
to marry Miss Stirling.— -Madam, this affair requires 
explanation, and fortunately here is my nephew. 

Miss S. O.lud! I'mruin'd. 

Head. Ruined ! The villian ! the villian ! 

Miss S. I must not see him, indeed, sir— pray allow 
in eo retire. 

Head. Conceal yourself in that arbour. He shall do 



who's who ? 29 

you justice, or he is no longer a nephew of mine — Your 
name, madam ? 

MissS. My name — Oh, Sally Primrose, ■ a farmer's 
daughter, from Shropshire. 

Head, Retire,MissPrinirose,and leave this affair to'me. 

Miss S. (Aside.) In what a labyrinth has this un- 
lucky meeting involved me. (Retires into the arbour). 

Enter Charles. 

Head. Now for my gentleman ! 

Charles. My dear sir, I am impatient for the con- 
summation of my happiness. 

Head. Happiness ! how dare you think of happiness * 

Char. I do not understand you, sir. 

Head. I have found you out, sir. 

Charles. Sir, I am ignorant of your meaning. 

Head. No foolery, sir — You are on the point of 
giving yourself in marriage to Miss Stirling-, when your 
affections are already disposed of in another quarter. 

Charles. [Aside.] Then Mary is discovered ; — or 
perhaps he merely suspects something, and this is a 
manoeuvre to try me. 

Head. This hesitation convicts you, sir ; but I'll con- 
vince you that I know your secret. — Shropshire, sir, 
Shropshire. 

Char. Shropshire ! What the devil does he mean 
by Shropshire ! 

Head. [Aside."] He thinks I am but half informed, 
and braves me. You may have heard the name of 
Sally, perhaps, sir ? 

Char. Sally! 

Head. Yes, sir, Sally; — Sally Primrose. 

Char. Sally Primrose. Ha ! ha ! ha ! this is all a 
jest: — I never heard the name before. 

Head. This is too much : — then know to your con- 
fusion, the lady is here. 

Char. Here, sir ! 

Head. Aye ; here, sir. I dare say you'll swear you 

never saw her before. Come forth, Miss Primrose. 

[He leads Miss Stirling from the arbour. 



30 who's who ? 

Char. I assure you I never saw this lady in my life. 

Head. Just as I said. Here's an unblushing rascal! 

Char. Depend on it, here is some imposture. 

Head. Fye ! fye ! your impudence is beyond 
bearing*. However, sir, I shall leave you to the just re- 
sentment of Miss Primrose; and till you have arranged 
this matter to her satisfaction, never dare to let me see 
your damn'd impudent face again. [Exit. 

Char. Madam, whatever may be your indentions — 

Miss S. Hush ! I am Louisa Stirling. 

Char. You! 

Miss S. I am. My saucy lover, Mr. Sutherland, 
has informed me of all your schemes. But how to 
extricate ourselves from this situation ? 

Char. Tis done ; and a thought strikes me by 
which this accident shall be the means of procuring 
you my uncle's consent to your marriage with Suther- 
land. 

Miss S. But how am I to get back to my uncle, 
Mr. Kitcat? Indeed, I should not be surprised if he 
Teached the house before us. 

Char. No fear of that ; a chattering apothecary is 
sent to guide him, who will lead him half-a-dozen 
miles out of his way : and for your escort I shall give 
you Harry Sutherland. 

Miss S. But suppose my escort should turn traitor 
and run away with me. 

Char. Why then, as a punishment for his offence, 
we must condemn him to imprisonment for life ; and 
you shall have the custody of him. [Exeunt. 



SCENE II. 



Enter Endall and Mr. Kitcat. 

Kit, Why do you loiter thus, sir? You say Mr. 
Headstrong sent you to conduct me to his house ; but 
at every turn, it appears we are further from it than ever. 
My niece, no doubt is there and alarmed at my absence. 



who's who ? 31 

End. Why certainly, Mr. Kitcat, we might hare 
saved {aside] about tbree miles ; but I thought you 
would like to see th^ park, [aside] I have not had 
spirit to say a word to the doctor about my own busi- 
ness yet : I'll lake courage, and pump him now.— Hem ! 
I understand, sir, you intend to—practise in this place ? 

Kit. I do, sir. 

End. [aside] It's very true, I see. — Your practice 
in London was rather limited. 

Kit* Rather so, sir. In the country all nature pre- 
sents itself. In London one is confined principally to 
the human subject. 

End. That's enough in all conscience, if a man can 
get plenty of it. 

Kit. True, sir; but having attained some profi- 
ciency in that branch of the art, 1 am desirous of 
practising in another. 

End. Another ! May I beg to know which you 
mean, sir? 

Kit. Cattle. 

End. Cattle ! [aside] So I'm to be supplanted by 
a damn'd cow-doctor ! 

Kit. Besides, sir, one's prospects about London are 
very limited ; here they are open and extensive. 

End. Then let me undeceive you ; you have no 
prospect at all here. 

Kit. There we differ. I think I never beheld finer. 

End. But you'll find the difference when you have 
been here a short time. 

Kit. I don't quite understand you, sir. I can't see 
why my being here should alter the prospects. 

End. Whatever view you may have in your eye, 
let me tell you, we have a person in your way already 
here ; and the place won't afford comfortable practice 
for two. 

Kit. I don't see how this applies to me. I intend 
to practise merely for my own amusement. 

End. So much the worse ; and to be plain, I am 
the person you come to oppose. 



32 who's who ? 

Kit. You, sir ! I should'nt have taken him for a 
painter, 

End. Now, consider that I get my living by the 
profession, and if you oppose me, I'm ruined : agree 
to my proposal, 

Enter Sam behind. 

And I'll do you a service you little expect. 

Kit. Well, sir. 

End. Though my business is chiefly with the two- 
legged part of the creation, yet, I sometimes dabble a 
little in the cattle way myself. Now, sir, agree not to 
interfere with my biped customers, and I'll make over 
the whole of my quadruped connexion to you without 
reserve. 

Kit. Sir, I accept your offer. Now what is the 
service you are to render me ? 

End. To put you on your guard against a plot. 
You must know that young Headstrong 1 , in order to 
avoid a marriage with your niece, has introduced a 
fellow to his uncle under your name. But go instantly 
to the house, and you may be in time to prevent ill 
consequences. 

Sam \behind~\. O, thou treacherous jalup-monger ! 

Kit. Amazement ! will you accompany me ? 

End. If I do, young Headstrong will put me into 
the horsepond for this. [Asi de~\ No, sir ; I have an 
engagement, and as I am rather past my time, I must ' 
wish you a good morning. [Exit. 

Kit. This is an extraordinary event. 

Sam. Now for a bold hit, or it is all over with us. 
I'll pass myself upon him as old Headstrong ; (coming 
forward, and calling after Endall in a subdued voice), 
Impostor ! knave ! rascal ! and this, I take it, is one of 
his accomplices. 

Kit. What's in the wind now ? Who dares address 
such language to me ? 

Sam. That's a good joke ; I, Simon Headstrong. 
Esquire. 



who's who ? 33 

Kit. Have I the happiness of seeing Mr. Head- 
strong ? 

Sam. You know best what you can see, sir ; but is 
this my ground ? are these my trees $ or are these my 
clothes? 

Kit. This is most fortunate. — Sir, I rejoice in thus 
meeting with you. 

Sam, Why, it must be — my dear friend Mr. Kitcat. 

Kit. The same ; the same. 

Sam. O, this is too much happiness ! (Embraces 
him J. 

Kit. I am just in time to prevent the execution of a 
deception. 

Sam. I know it; and the man that just left you is 
the impostor. 

Kit. He the impostor ! 

Sam. However, it is but part of a more villainous 
plot. My steward, a crafty old knave, has a design to 
get his own nephew married to your niece, and on your 
arrival, to get me out of the way, and pass himself for 
me. 

Kit. Monstrous ! Fortunate discovery ! 

Sam. Now well humour the villain. I'll stay away ; 
you go to the house — call him Mr. Headstrong — 
behave to him as you would tome — and be sure not to 
let him perceive that you know^Jfo be only my steward. 

Kit. Excellent ! But for my niece ? 

Sam. True — I have it. I know a girl who, for 
twenty pounds, would marry any body. She shall pass 
for your niece, and marry the old rogue's nephew ; and 
I warrant he'll repent it as long as he lives. 

Kit. Admirable ; come, let's about it instantly ; I 
delight in seeing roguery over-reach itself. But where 
is my niece, Louisa, all this time. 

Sam. [aside\ Safe with her lover. — Oh, she lost you 
in the windings of the park, and prudently came to 
my house : luckily none of my people have seen her. 
Now I'll go for the girl I spoke of, and be with you in 
a crack. Wait my return at yonder gate. Come, bun- 
dle, my old boy. e 



34 TfrHo's WHO ? . 

Kit. Bundle, my old boy! I did'nt expect to see a 
Chesterfield; — but the coarseness of Mr. Headstrong's 
manners astonishes me. [Exit, 

Sam. Now I'll go up to old Headstrong — confess so 
much as can no longer be cncealed, and by professino- 
myself a repentant rogue, cheat on without danger of 
discovery. ^ Exiu 

SCENE III. 

„ A ROOM AT HEADSTRONG'S. 

Headstrong, Mary, and Charles discovered seated 
at a Table, at the point of signing Papers. 

Head. I think we had better not sign till Mr. Kitcat 
returns ; however, as you both seem anxious about 
it, give me a pen — O, here he is. 

Enter Sam hastily. 

Sam. Hold, sir ; don't sign. You haveHbeen deceived. 
I am not Mr. Kitcat. 

Head. How! 

Char. Confusion ! The villain has betrayed us. 

Head. You not Mr. Kitcat! and is not thisl lady 
Miss Stirling ? 

Sam. I'll out- with the whole truth now — The lady 
really is Miss Stirling'* 
Head. And my nephew — 

Sam. Is as innocent of it all as a sucking pig. 
Head. Then to you, madam, I apply for an explana- 
tion. 

Mary. To-to-to me, sir. 

Sam. Don't tell him, miss ; I'll explain it all—You see, 
sir, as the young lady had never seen your nephew, she 
thought it as well to have a peep at him before she con^ 
sented to marry him — so she gave her Uncle the slip, 
two stages off' — got me to personate him, and determined 
to run away if she didn't like Mr.Charles.-- The real uncle 
is arrived ; and as I canot conveniently be a rogue any- 
longer, I think it as well to confess all, and be honest. 
Char. What do you intend by this? [Aside to Sam* 






who's who ? 35 

Sam* My original is here, so this is our only hope. 

Head. Miss Stirling is this true ? 

Mary, Ye-es, — sir. 

Head. Then I hope my nephew has made a favourable 
impression on you. But where is your uncle ? 

Sam. Oh, he is but a little way off. I must take Miss 
to him : he would be furious if he knew she had been 
here. 

Head. Then I won't say I have seen her before ; and 
when you return, my dear, I'll receive you as if it were 
your first visit. 

Sam. Exactly so. 

Head. And pray who are you, sir? 

Sam. I— O, I'm nobody, sir — a servant, sir — this 
lady's servant. 

Head, (Aside) Ecod, I suspect that's my coat ; I 
thought so at first : I' 11 examine my wardrobe. I've 
some directions to give the servants, and will return in- 
stantly. — O, you cunning baggage, I love you for your 
ingenuity. (Exit. 

Char. Now pray what am I to understand by all 
this? 

Sam. There's no time for talking : that treacherous 
lump of rhubarb has exposed our plans. I shall want 
your assistance Miss; but come along, and I will tell you 
the rest by the way. (Exeunt. 



SCENE IV. 

headstrong's park. 

Enter Kjtcat, Mary, and Sam. 

Kit. Now, my good girl, you understand ; — This gen- 
tleman's steward intends to impose himself upon me as 
his master, and get his nephew married to my neice. — 
Now we'mean to give into the imposition ; I shall there- 
fore introduce you as my niece, marry the young fellow 
to you, and as a reward for your assistance in this affair, 
I shall give you twenty pounds at your wedding. 



36 who's who ? 

Mary. Thank'ee, sir. 

Kit. Now I think we may proceed. 

Sam. One word more, Sir. — My steward has the 
im udence of the devil ; and I dare say will receive yon 
without embarrassment. Do every thing he proposes, 
and be sure not to let him know you are up to him till 
you hear from me. 

Kit. I'll be careful, depend on't. 

Exeunt Mary and Kitcat. 

Sam. This is a noble scheme of mine. I did not think 
I was so clever. Let me see — What reward shall I 
demand, if we succeed? Mr. Charles shall buy me a 
fly from physic to war ; the change is not very great ; 
commission. I'll 'tis attaining the same end by different 
means — & bullet instead of a bolus/ (Exit. 



SCENE V. 

headstrong's library. 

Enter Headstrong, Mary, and Kitcat. 

Head. Well, I am heartily glad to see you at last — 
but why so late 1 

Kit. The beauty of the scenery around your estate 
was an attraction I could not resist ; and it has afforded 
some little employment to my pencil, (aside) This steward 
must be a consummate knave ; he does'nt seem in the 
least embarrassed in the exercise of his roguery. 
Enter Charles. 

Head. Ah ! Allow me, Mr. Kitcat, to introduce my 
nephew to you ; and to you, madam, your future hus- 
band. (To Mary) Your uncle little thinks you have 
met before.— -And now, my dear sir, if you have the 
writings with you, we'll execute them instantly. 

Char. Sir, I am impatient till my happiness is com- 
plete. 

Kit. (aside). The impostureis plain enough : their eager- 
ness convicts them. — I have not the papers with me, but- 



who's who ? 87 

Char. No matter, sir, here is |one which will be 
sufficient till the deeds arrive. If you will sign it first, 
my uncle will follow you. 

Kit. The young one is as undaunted a rogue as the 
old steward, his uncle. Give me the pen, sir. There, 
(he signs) and may you be happy with my niece. 

Char. Now, uncle. 

Head. (Signs.) There's my name. — This is a happy 
day ; — Shake hands, my old boy; you and I can't expect 
many such as this, and egad we'll make the most of it. 

Kit. True — By the Lord, though I can hardly help 
laughing at them, (aside) 

Charles. Now, my dear Mary, our happiness is secure, 
and we'll leave the old gentlemen to undeceive each 
other. — We will withdraw. 

Kit. And take my advice, and get married instantly— 
A young hypocrite, (aside) 

Char. We'll do as you advise us, depend on it. 

(Exeunt Charles and Mart. 

Kit. Now I'll open upon the old steward. — I'll begin 
with a hit at his menial situation, (aside) Hem ! you 
seem to have a very comfortable place of it here. 

Head. Place of it ! O, he means my estate, I suppose. 
— Why yes, sir, I have no reason to complain. 

Kit. And I dare say it supplies all your wants. 

Head. Aye, and a great deal more, or it wouldn't b© 
worth having. — I sell ten times as much as I consume. 

Kit. Here's a thief! — and pray, is the family ac- 
quainted with your proceedings % 

Head. To be sure ! I make no secret of it — I may do 
as I please, here. 

Kit. Then I suppose they have confidence in you, and 
don't suspect — 

Head. Suspect ! — Pooh ! they know it — Besides it's a 
very common thing among gentlemen in my situation. 
I've a right to make as much money by the estate 
as possible. 

Kit. I never yet heard of a steward who thought other- 
wise. — Have you been long in this situation ? 

Head, About two and twenty years, I believe. 



38 who's who ? 

Kit. And during 1 that time you have contrived to 
scrape together a pretty round sum, I dare say. 

Head, (Aside) These inquiries are damn'd imperti- 
nent, tho !— Why yes, sir, I have saved atolerable fortune. 

Kit. I can hold no longer. — Which you have accumu- 
lated by fraud, embezzlement, and every species of ras- 
cality. 

Head. Sir ! 

Kit. And which, when you sink into a guilty grave, 
you will bequeath to your nephew, who appears to be as 
consummate a knave as yourself. 

Head. Mr. Kitcat ! 

Kit. Impostor ! You may now throw off your mask-- 
your machinations are detected ; and you may expect to 
be turned out of this house within an hour. 

Head. Ha ! ha ! ha ! turn me out of my own house ! — 
Harkee sir ; are yoa really Mr. Kitcat ? 

Kit. I am — but for the person you take to be my 
neice — 

Head. That's sufficient — It is but too evident that he's 
a little— (touching his forehead) and I should be as 
mad as he to quarrel with him. 

Kit. But here comes your master-r- 

Enter Sam. 

(to Sam) My dear Mr. Headstrong, I have given this 
miscreant an introductory chastisement, and now let me 
entreat that you will turn him out of your house this 
instant. 

Sam. All in good time, (aside)- — Damn it — here comes 
my master, and all's over. 

. Enter End all. 

End. (to Kitcat) Ah ! my dear doctor ! 

Kit. Doctor, sir ! What do you mean by doctor ? 

End. (to Headstrong) My dear Mr. Headstrong, as 
I have made an amicable arrangement with the doctor 
there — 

Head. I shan't speak a word till I know whether I'm 
awake, or whether that man is in his right senses.—— 
Leave me, doctor. 



who's who ? 39 

Kit. He a doctor ! There is some mystery here ! 

End. (Seem? Sam ) Well, Sam, as you have done 
your part in the business* you had better go back to 
the shop — you'll $nd pie -ty to do. 

Kit. Bic ; to the shoo ! Ha, I begin to suspect. 
Where's my niece? there's jmy niece? 

Sam. Here come all the pretty dears. 

Enter Ch \rlf,s and Mary. Harry and Miss Stirling. 

■Head. I think I may venture a word now. — Charles, 
am I awake? 

Kit. (To Miss Stirling) My dear niece, explain 
this affair to me. 

Head. Your niece! Psha! that's Sally Primrose. 
Charles Headstrong", what is the meaning of all this? 

Kit. Charles Headstrong- ! pooh ! that's Charles 
Headstrong with my niece. (Points to Harry) 

Head. With your niece ! But I see how it is ! Poor 
man ! he takes another woman for his ow4i niece, and 
wants to persuade me that I don't know my own nephew. 

Char. I believe I can best unravel this apparent 
mystery. (To Kitcat) This gentleman, sir, really is Mr. 
Headstrong-, and I am his nephew. — The fact is, that as 
we were all doubtful of obtaining- your consent to our 
marriage, according to our several wishes, we have had 
recourse to various stratagems to obtain it — have suc- 
ceeded as you perceive, and now throw ourselves upon 
your mercy. 

Kit. And pray, sir, who are you that have defrauded 
me of my niece? 

Harry. Be not harsh, sir. My name is Henry Suther- 
land, brother to that young lady ; and I am a gentleman. 

Kit. A very poor one, no doubt. 

Harry. As to my fortune, sir, — but since no man is 
expected to expatiate on his own defects when he is. 
enaeavouring to recommend himself, I must be silent 
on that subject. * 

Kit. Mr. Headstrong. — Since I find you are really 
Mr. Headstrong, accept my sincere apology for the 
harsh language I applied to you : — they imposed you 
upon me as your steward, and — 

Head* Say no more about it. It's well our quarrel 



40 who's who ? 

was tete-a-tete, for I <?.are say we appeared like two 
damn'd fools. 

Kit. No doubt : but here are four green horns storing 
us full in the face, who have been cunning enough to out- 
wit us ; and I think the best thing we can do, is to for- 
give them and make them happy. 

Bead. With all my heart. 

End. (To Kitcat) Now my dear doctor — 

Kit. Zounds, sir ! I'm no doctor : — don't doctor me. 

End. What then, an't you my rival exterminator from 
London? Am I then still to retain the entire possession 
of my old field of action? 

Char. The whole village will still be at your mercy. 

End. Then I'll set the bells a ringing- immediately. 

Char. Tolling, more likely, doctor. 

Head. But where is the rascal who has caused all 
these mistakes?— Oh, there he is — Come forth, sirrah. 

Sam. Ah! I see how it will be ; I shall be the stalking 
horse for both parties, to vent the remnants of their 
anger upon. 

Head. Well, sirrah ! what have you to say for yourself? 

Sam. I know I have no mercy to expect ; but, as 
I have an unconquerable aversion to a dry-beating, 
either toss me in a blanket, or pump upon me ; any thing 
but an ungentlemanly dry-beating. 

Char. A pardon for him, sir. 

Head. Well, he may go — but, I'll thank him to leave 
my clothes behind him. 

Char. And you may take with you the reward of your 
labours. (Gives money) 

Sam. What twenty pounds ! 

Harry. And as I am under an equal obligation to 
you (gives notes) accept my acknowledgements also. 

Sam. Another twenty ! why then, my fortune being 
made, according to the custom of the world, I might 
laugh at my past rogueries, and let you see, Who's Who 
— rBut, no ; I'll throw myself upon my friends, and I 
trust to their kindness for a merciful sentence on — The 
Double Imposture. 

the end. 

WHITTIMGHAM AND ARLISS, FBINTER3, tONDON, 



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